The 4 principles of nonviolent communication

Disagreements ranging from the wars of the world to the arguments between spouses can devolve into physical or emotional violence due to shaming, blaming, critiquing and demands. To address a problem using nonviolent communication:

1) Alert the person of the action they have taken which you are unhappy with. Solely communicate the facts of the situation without judgement, blame or diagnosis.

For example, instead of saying “You are an inconsiderate jerk because you’re always late”, nonviolent communication would be saying “You have come home two hours late every night this week with no explanation.”

2) Express how the action makes you feel. Stick solely to “I” statements and expressing feelings.

For example, instead of “You don’t seem to care about me when you’re late. It makes me feel like I’m married to a rebellious child”, nonviolent communication would mean saying “When you’re late it makes me feel lonely and unappreciated for the dinner I made for you.”

3) Express the need you have that is not being met. Without blame, simply communicate your own need and the way the unwanted behavior is unhelpful.

Rather than saying “I want to be with someone who’s respectful”, nonviolent communication is saying “ I need to feel secure by always knowing what my evening will look like. I also need to reliably have companionship from my spouse.”

4) Clearly communicate the solution you would like to see. Remember that is an ask and not a demand. Offer it as your preferred option.

Rather than “Just be more considerate!” Nonviolent communication says “I am asking you to please help meet my needs for security and companionship by telling me a realistic time to expect you every night and by ensuring we have at least 1 hour of quality time per day”.

The principles come down to simply communicating without judgement what the facts of the problem are, how they make you feel, what need they miss and your proposed solution. Communicating this way leads to safer and more productive conversations.