John Gottman’s emotion coaching for children

Dr. John Gottman, famous relationship researcher, studied parenting styles for decades. His process of “emotion coaching” helps develop the child’s nervous system properly, helping them connect with parents and build emotional awareness, confidence, and resilience over time.

The key to good parenting is recognising the emotional source behind a behaviour, instead of simply judging the behaviour. There are three styles of parenting that deal with emotions and behaviours in a non-optimal way: dismissive, disapproving, and laissez-faire parenting.

The dismissive parent: They disengage with, distract the child from, or ridicule emotions. They may believe that some emotions are worse than others. The child grows up feeling as if something is wrong with them and has trouble regulating their emotions.

The disapproving parent: They punish or criticise the child, overtly or covertly, for their emotions. They can be judgemental and authoritarian. Here also, the child grows up feeling as if something is wrong with them and has trouble regulating their emotions.

The laissez-faire parent: They may validate emotions but be very permissive, offering no guidance or not setting limits on any behaviour. They do not help the child understand what is happening. The child grows up feeling helpless to their emotions and can have trouble socially.

The solution to these parenting styles is practicing emotion coaching, which is a respectful and empathetic but firm way of guiding a child through their emotional process. Here, the parent is not focussing on their parental agenda, but rather addressing the emotion at the root..

Steps 1 and 2: Attend to the emotion and name it. Approach the situation calmly and acknowledge the presence of a feeling, e.g.: “Oh, I see something happened.” Name the child’s emotion or guide the child to noticing and naming their emotion, e.g.: “You look angry!”

Step 3: The most delicate step is validating the emotion, communicating overtly and subtly to the child that their felt-sense experience and grasp on the situation is understood, real, and important, e.g.: “You really wanted that, didn’t you? You're angry because you can’t get it

Steps 4 and 5: Meet the emotional need and problem solve or set limits. Different emotional needs have different solutions, e.g.: hugs, helping set boundaries, etc. Problem solving involves meeting the practical need, e.g.: suggesting alternative activities, setting limits.

Bottom line: Interacting with the child sensitively, by skilfully communicating to them that their experience is real and important; and firmly, by being the guide and authority for their emotional process; is the heart of raising a connected, resilient, and healthy child.