Gavin de Becker provides security for many famous figures. When Amazon founder and world’s richest man Jeff Bezos had his phone hacked (probably by the Saudis), de Becker led the investigation. Stars trust him to keep their lives free of press intrusion a

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Gavin de Becker provides security for many famous figures. When Amazon founder and world’s richest man Jeff Bezos had his phone hacked (probably by the Saudis), de Becker led the investigation. Stars trust him to keep their lives free of press intrusion and violence.

Before he was 13, de Becker had seen more violence within his own home that most adults see in a lifetime. In order to survive, he had to become good at predicting what would happen next in frightening situations.

Before he was 13, de Becker had seen more violence within his own home that most adults see in a lifetime. In order to survive, he had to become good at predicting what would happen next in frightening situations.


He made it his life's work to formularize the violent mindset so that others could also become good at predicting its behavior. He became an expert in violent risk and assessment, but also something of a spokesperson on domestic violence.

He made it his life's work to formularize the violent mindset so that others could also become good at predicting its behavior. He became an expert in violent risk and assessment, but also something of a spokesperson on domestic violence.


We normally think of fear as something bad, but in The Gift of Fear, de Becker shows how it’s a gift that may protect us from grievous harm. If we can get into the mind of the other person, their actions won’t come as a terrible surprise.

We normally think of fear as something bad, but in The Gift of Fear, de Becker shows how it’s a gift that may protect us from grievous harm. If we can get into the mind of the other person, their actions won’t come as a terrible surprise.


We think that the police and criminal justice system will protect us, but often by the time we engage the authorities, it’s usually too late. We believe that better technology will protect us from danger; the more alarms and high fences we have, the safer we feel.

We think that the police and criminal justice system will protect us, but often by the time we engage the authorities, it’s usually too late. We believe that better technology will protect us from danger; the more alarms and high fences we have, the safer

The best, most reliable source of protection is your intuition or gut feeling. Like other animals, we have an in-built warning system that can tell us if we are in the presence of danger – if we listen to it.

The best, most reliable source of protection is your intuition or gut feeling. Like other animals, we have an in-built warning system that can tell us if we are in the presence of danger – if we listen to it.


Female victims of violence have said to de Becker: “Even though I knew what was happening leading up to the event was not quite right, I did not extract myself from it”.

Female victims of violence have said to de Becker: “Even though I knew what was happening leading up to the event was not quite right, I did not extract myself from it”.


Modern life deadens our sensitivity. We either don't see the signals at all, or won't admit them.

Modern life deadens our sensitivity. We either don't see the signals at all, or won't admit them. 


A woman was trapped and raped in her own apartment. When her attacker said he was going into the kitchen, something told her to follow him on tiptoes. When she did, she saw him rifling through the drawers looking for a large knife (to kill her).

A woman was trapped and raped in her own apartment. When her attacker said he was going into the kitchen, something told her to follow him on tiptoes. When she did, she saw him rifling through the drawers looking for a large knife (to kill her).


She made a break for the front door, and escaped. The remarkable thing was, she didn’t  remember being afraid. Real fear, because it involves our intuition, is a positive feeling designed to save us.

She made a break for the front door, and escaped. The remarkable thing was, she didn’t  remember being afraid. Real fear, because it involves our intuition, is a positive feeling designed to save us.


Intuition is usually right

Many murders are described as “inhuman”. But security expert Gaving de Becker does not have the luxury of making distinctions like “human” and “monster”. Instead he looks for whether a person may have the intent or ability to harm.

Many murders are described as “inhuman”. But security expert Gaving de Becker does not have the luxury of making distinctions like “human” and “monster”. Instead he looks for whether a person may have the intent or ability to harm.


Most of us will say that we could never kill another person, but then you usually hear the caveat: “unless I was having to protect a loved one”.

Most of us will say that we could never kill another person, but then you usually hear the caveat: “unless I was having to protect a loved one”. 


It seems like a simple question, but why do people commit violence?

It seems like a simple question, but why do people commit violence?


De Becker boils it down to four elements: 1) Justification – the person makes a judgment that they have been intentionally wronged. 2) Alternatives – violence seems like the only way forward to seek redress or justice.

De Becker boils it down to four elements: 1) Justification – the person makes a judgment that they have been intentionally wronged. 2) Alternatives – violence seems like the only way forward to seek redress or justice.


3) Consequences – they decide they can live with the probable outcome of their violent act. (A stalker may not mind going to jail as long as he gets his victim). 4) Ability – confidence in their ability to use their body or bullets or a bomb to achieve their ends.

3) Consequences – they decide they can live with the probable outcome of their violent act. (A stalker may not mind going to jail as long as he gets his victim). 4) Ability – confidence in their ability to use their body or bullets or a bomb to achieve th

De Becker’s team check through these “pre-incident” elements anytime they have to predict the likelihood of violence from someone threatening a client.

De Becker’s team check through these “pre-incident” elements anytime they have to predict the likelihood of violence from someone threatening a client. 


The notion that people “snap” and commit murders is actually not very common, de Becker says. Violence is as predictable “as water coming to a boil”.

The notion that people “snap” and commit murders is actually not very common, de Becker says. Violence is as predictable “as water coming to a boil”.


Most spousal murder does not happen “in the heat of the moment”. It is usually premeditated, preceded by the husband stalking his wife.

Most spousal murder does not happen “in the heat of the moment”. It is usually premeditated, preceded by the husband stalking his wife.


For the man, being rejected is too great a threat to his sense of self, so killing his partner seems the only way to restore his identity. It is murder in defense of the self.

For the man, being rejected is too great a threat to his sense of self, so killing his partner seems the only way to restore his identity. It is murder in defense of the self.


De Becker’s alarming fact: three quarters of spousal murders happen after the woman leaves.

De Becker’s alarming fact: three quarters of spousal murders happen after the woman leaves.


Why people kill

What makes a violent criminal? De Becker’s experience is that troubled or abusive childhoods are an important factor. In a study into serial killers, 100 per cent were found to have suffered violence themselves, or been humiliated or neglected as children.

What makes a violent criminal? De Becker’s experience is that troubled or abusive childhoods are an important factor. In a study into serial killers, 100 per cent were found to have suffered violence themselves, or been humiliated or neglected as children

These killers wanted what every child wants, but when it was withheld from them, they formed a warped view of the world, often at the public’s expense.

These killers wanted what every child wants, but when it was withheld from them, they formed a warped view of the world, often at the public’s expense.


Features of predatory criminals include: recklessness and bravado; single-mindedness; not shocked at things other people would be; weirdly calm in conflict; and the need to be in control (a response to being loved conditionally or not at all in childhood).

Features of predatory criminals include: recklessness and bravado; single-mindedness; not shocked at things other people would be; weirdly calm in conflict; and the need to be in control (a response to being loved conditionally or not at all in childhood)

Psychopaths are often very good at hiding their psychopathic traits. They may model “normality” so that they can appear to be regular guys. Indeed, they may seem too nice, and may talk too much and give you unnecessary details to distract you.

Psychopaths are often very good at hiding their psychopathic traits. They may model “normality” so that they can appear to be regular guys. Indeed, they may seem too nice, and may talk too much and give you unnecessary details to distract you.


Good guys will always be sensitive about your concern for who they are and what they want. Psychopaths will have no such inhibition, because they always want something. They may typecast you or mildly insult you, in order to have you respond and engage with them.

Good guys will always be sensitive about your concern for who they are and what they want. Psychopaths will have no such inhibition, because they always want something. They may typecast you or mildly insult you, in order to have you respond and engage wi

Psychopaths often ignore or discount when you say “no”. Whenever a person chooses not to hear your “no”, they are trying to control you. Never let someone talk you out of your refusal, because then they will know they are in charge.

Psychopaths often ignore or discount when you say “no”. Whenever a person chooses not to hear your “no”, they are trying to control you. Never let someone talk you out of your refusal, because then they will know they are in charge.


Finally, psychopaths may use the word “we” a lot to make them and their victim seem like they are all in the same boat. And they find a way to help you so you will feel in their debt (called “loan sharking”).

Finally, psychopaths may use the word “we” a lot to make them and their victim seem like they are all in the same boat. And they find a way to help you so you will feel in their debt (called “loan sharking”).


De Becker has fascinating insights into the stalker mind. At any one time, a famous singer or actor may have three or four persons after them, sending mountains of letters or trying to get through security.

De Becker has fascinating insights into the stalker mind. At any one time, a famous singer or actor may have three or four persons after them, sending mountains of letters or trying to get through security.


Only a fraction of this type of stalker actually wants to kill their target. The rest believe they are in some kind of “relationship” with the star. What all stalkers have is a desperate hunger for recognition. In killing someone famous, stalkers themselves become famous.

Only a fraction of this type of stalker actually wants to kill their target. The rest believe they are in some kind of “relationship” with the star. What all stalkers have is a desperate hunger for recognition. In killing someone famous, stalkers themselv

Yet De Becker wonders why are we so intrigued by celebrity stalkers (which usually end up doing nothing to the celebrity), but are blasé about women killed by stalking husbands or boyfriends? This crime happens every two hours in America alone.

Yet De Becker wonders why are we so intrigued by celebrity stalkers (which usually end up doing nothing to the celebrity), but are blasé about women killed by stalking husbands or boyfriends? This crime happens every two hours in America alone.


Inside the mind of psychopaths and stalkers

“Though we want to believe that violence is a matter of cause and effect, it is actually a process, a chain in which the violent outcome is only one link.” Gavin de Becker

“Though we want to believe that violence is a matter of cause and effect, it is actually a process, a chain in which the violent outcome is only one link.” Gavin de Becker


With the advent of terrorism we have become obsessed with the possibility of random violence. Yet it’s in the home where most attacks and homicides occur, and most victims are women.

With the advent of terrorism we have become obsessed with the possibility of random violence. Yet it’s in the home where most attacks and homicides occur, and most victims are women.


Personal security expert Gavin de Becker says that men and women live in two different worlds. Oprah Winfrey told her audience that The Gift of Fear “should be read by every woman in America”.

Personal security expert Gavin de Becker says that men and women live in two different worlds. Oprah Winfrey told her audience that The Gift of Fear “should be read by every woman in America”.


Many women seek restraining orders, but De Becker says they generally don't work. Violent people thrive on engagement, and if they are unbalanced anyway, a restraining order will not stop them.

Many women seek restraining orders, but De Becker says they generally don't work. Violent people thrive on engagement, and if they are unbalanced anyway, a restraining order will not stop them.


The best way to deal with unwanted attention is to allow the stalker to leave their phone messages and send their letters. Eventually the lack of response will cool their fixation. This also applies to workplace stalking.

The best way to deal with unwanted attention is to allow the stalker to leave their phone messages and send their letters. Eventually the lack of response will cool their fixation. This also applies to workplace stalking.


De Becker is not a psychologist, but his book gives more insights into the nature of intuition, fear and the violent mind than you are ever likely to read in a straight psychology text.

De Becker is not a psychologist, but his book gives more insights into the nature of intuition, fear and the violent mind than you are ever likely to read in a straight psychology text.


Just remember that initial fear is a survival signal, and your focus on it dissipates the fear. Real fear does not paralyze you – it energizes, enabling you to do things you normally would not.

Just remember that initial fear is a survival signal, and your focus on it dissipates the fear. Real fear does not paralyze you – it energizes, enabling you to do things you normally would not.


If you live in an English village or a quiet part of the United States, de Becker’s ideas might seem a little paranoid. Even he admits you have a much higher likelihood of dying from cancer or a car accident than violent attack by a stranger.

If you live in an English village or a quiet part of the United States, de Becker’s ideas might seem a little paranoid. Even he admits you have a much higher likelihood of dying from cancer or a car accident than violent attack by a stranger.


But remember to have your wits about you, and trust your gut feelings. In most cases of violence, the person either listened to their intuition and survived, or did not and paid the consequences.

But remember to have your wits about you, and trust your gut feelings. In most cases of violence, the person either listened to their intuition and survived, or did not and paid the consequences.


The police and the criminal justice system will help you after you are a victim. Your fear and intuition will stop you from becoming one in the first place.

The police and the criminal justice system will help you after you are a victim. Your fear and intuition will stop you from becoming one in the first place.


Women, use your gift of fear

The Gift of Fear

Protection from Violence

What's the one thing that can keep you safe and secure?

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