What are the subtle signs of a relationship in trouble?

It all starts in our head. When we find ourselves constantly thinking the same toxic things about our partner, a relationship can quickly derail – even if those thoughts aren’t true!

The first thing to watch out for is the “All-or-Nothing Trap”. This is when there are no grey areas, only extremes, e.g. “You never listen!” or “You always have to ruin things!”

The “Should Bomb” is when one person in the relationship assumes that the other is a mind-reader, i.e. “I expect you to meet my needs because you should know what they are!”

“Label Slinging” is when you make a habit of oversimplifying your partner’s behavior in negative and unfair ways – at the expense of seeing their good qualities. e.g. “You’re so lazy!”

“Emotional short circuits” are what happens when one person becomes adamant that their partner is intolerable or a lost cause, e.g. “He’s impossible. No one could put up with this!”

The “Head Game Gamble” is when you jump to negative conclusions about your partner’s behavior, e.g. “She’s being nice to me, so there must be something bad I don’t know about.”

“Disillusionment Doom” is when idealized expectations, based on past experiences, start to crumble before our eyes, e.g. “You’re just like all the rest – you only care about X!”

“The Blame Game” is a classic move where we take no responsibility for a situation and put the issue squarely on the other person, e.g. “This is all because of you and your stubborn ways!”

There may be a degree of truth to any of these thoughts, but focusing on them is a surefire way to kill a relationship. Overcoming these issues essentially boils down to your ability to keep sight of all your partner’s positive attributes, despite any difficulties.

TLDR: Many people simply think their way out of a relationship. They fall into common thought patterns that often go unaddressed or unresolved. But as long as this thinking can be managed, it removes a huge block in terms of openness and trust: the lifeblood of any good couple.