Is it your *mindset* that’s holding back your relationship?

Perhaps you’ve heard about “growth” and “fixed” mindsets via the work of psychologist Carol Dweck. A fixed mindset is when you think your talents, character, & qualities are unchangeable. In love, it means you may not put enough effort into learning from your past relationships.

What is a growth mindset in relationships?

In a growth mindset, you believe you can improve your talents, character, personality, behavior with effort and learning. You are forgiving and try to learn about yourself in order to have better relationships in the future.

Why does mindset matter?

It helps us understand more about why people often don’t learn the socio-emotional skills they need or use the skills they have. Mindset explains why some have lasting relationships and others throw themselves hopelessly in to hurtful relationships.

In relationships, there are three things - your qualities, your partner’s qualities, and your relationship’s qualities. In a growth mindset, you believe that all three things can be developed, and are capable of growth and change.

In a fixed mindset, the ideal is instant, perfect, and perpetual compatibility. You may believe, ‘If you have to work for it, it wasn’t meant to be.’ and ‘Problems indicate character flaws.’ The reality is that all great relationships have conflicts.

How to shift your relationship mindset to growth: 

1. After a rejection, ask yourself if you feel vengeful, bitter, or hurt but hopeful of learning, forgiving, and moving on? Get in touch with your feelings and see if you can view them positively to know what you want in life.

2. Understand that in every relationship, problems arise. See them from a growth mindset i.e. issues can be a vehicle for developing greater understanding & emotional intimacy. Allow yourself and your partner to explain themselves, listen carefully and discuss in a caring manner.

3. Blame-games are common in relationships but they create bitterness. Move beyond blame and fault-finding. Tell your partner about how you felt because of their actions, and let them say how they feel about your behaviors.

4. People shy away from expressing their feelings or insecurities, or even asking their crush on a date. Shyness can mess up your social interactions. Instead, see social interactions as opportunities for fun and learning, not judgment.

Final note: It’s important to remember that talent, intelligence, socio-emotional skills, character, & relationships can be developed. They can improve with practice & are not innate or fixed. Experiment with the growth mindset, & see if your relationships change for the better.