Separation: 3 Signs & First 3 Steps by Leslie Vernick

Many women stay for years or decades in relationships and marriages that are physically, emotionally, financially and/or otherwise destructive. A sense of duty, holiness, perseverance, love, guilt, or many other factors may influence those decisions.

Marriage Counselor, author and speaker Leslie Vernick compiled the signs and steps for separation in her bookThe Emotionally Destructive Marriage. Here are the signs which Vernick says indicate a marriage should separate rather than continue trying to reconcile:

1: Physical problems: Abuse, Illness, high blood pressure, and high anxiety can all show up as physical results of relationship issues. They can manifest in yourself and/or in children near a destructive relationship. When the emotional toll turns physical, it may be time to go.

2: Financial/Legal Issues: Major unpaid bills, financial secrecy, spending on addictions, fines, repossessions, and being unable to provide basic necessities for yourself and your family are all indications that staying together may produce more issues than separating.

3: Last Resort: When destructive issues occur repeatedly with no remorse, correction or improvement, it may be time to separate. Often measures like therapy - which are intended to help - produce temporary results, but if the destructive patterns continue, separation may be best.

Once you have decided to separate, here are the recommended first 3 steps. Note that at first, beginning the separation process may put some people at risk of further abuse, so each step must have safety as the top priority.

1: Inform your spouse: State that you are no longer interested in reconciliation and are filing for divorce. A simple statement that you accept the reality of any of the 3 reasons above is enough. No need to justify beyond: "I am not willing to be in a marriage where __."

2: Beware of abusive tactics: Threats (such as punshiments, taking children,etc.), love bombing (sudden flashy displays of affection) and ignoring/pretending the separation isn't happening are all possible strategies an abuser might take to try and maintain control.

3: Protect yourself: Learn the laws in your area about what you are and are not legally entitled to. If you are withdrawing savings, closing joint credit cards, moving children, leaving the home, etc. be sure to know what you're able to do without penalty.

Separating is never easy, but deciding to get out of a destructive situation can literally save the life, health, and sanity of yourself and your loved ones.

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