What’s “gaslighting”? And how can I tell if my partner is doing it?

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where someone tricks you into questioning your own perception of events. When used repeatedly, it can feel like you’re losing your sanity.

Being gaslit basically means having your perspective invalidated. The most common examples are lines like: “You’re just imagining things” or “It was just a joke; God, you’re so sensitive!”

Let’s say your partner disappears and you can’t get hold of them. You start panicking only for them to walk through the door, hours later, bemused at your reaction – because they already told you exactly where they were going. “Don’t you remember?”

These kinds of communication mix-ups can seem perfectly innocuous in isolation, but when it’s part of a wider pattern, it can be toxic...

A 2020 study at the University of West Georgia defined gaslighting as a way to “flip” criticism back on the person making it, e.g. it’s your fault for not remembering.

This tactic is both defensive (by immediately deflecting the complaint) and offensive (by undermining your position). In doing so, the manipulator dismisses someone’s feelings while forcing them to accept their version of events.

The University of West Georgia study found two forms of conversational assessments made by couples: 1) subject-side (“I found that disrespectful”), and 2) object-side (“you disrespected me”). The first is a subjective interpretation, the other is stated as if it were an objective fact.

Further analysis showed that “object-side” statements are the weapon of choice in gaslighting. If your experience doesn’t match up with the “facts” shared by your partner, you question yourself.

If you can keep a conversation entirely object-sided, with no deflection, both sides can work towards a factual understanding. But having some subjectivity is okay, too – especially if it’s self-awareness – as long as it’s used to resolve a situation amicably without manipulation.

Bottom line: Next time you find yourself in conflict with your partner, observe the structure of the conversation. What role are feelings and facts playing? It takes practice, but being able to eliminate attempts at deflection or “flipping” will only strengthen your relationship.