The thing about finding love that nobody wants to tell you...

Let me share a secret about love that you won’t find in most relationship books: Don’t go looking for it.

I’m not saying you should sit back, do nothing, and just hope for the best. Openness is an essential part of finding the right partner. But what most people get wrong is the form that openness takes.

I didn’t go on a date for about three years. At first, I was drowning in work and simply didn’t have time. Then I transitioned into a pivotal phase where I learned to live with myself better. As I began to feel more self-sufficient, loneliness gave way to contentment.

The idea that finding your “other half” completes you is a harmful myth. It’s only when you’ve learned to be independent, to be comfortable with who you are, that you’re truly ready for a balanced relationship. That requires patience because you never know how long it’ll take.

The most common pitfall is to think, “Could this person be the one?” This element of evaluation only makes things harder. We start getting ahead of ourselves, letting our fantasies fill in the blanks, only to be disappointed when reality can’t live up to expectations.

Managing expectations is crucial. If you have a checklist of criteria or treat dates like job interviews, you’re more likely to write people off by making snap judgments. That approach limits the field of possibilities pretty quickly.

When I met the person I would eventually marry, I thought: “The odds are against this working out, but let’s see where it goes.” That openness made all the difference. When there’s less at stake, you approach opportunities more comfortably – and people are attracted by that.

Searching for an ideal can become a burden. The harder you look for love, the easier it is to miss a potential fit. In my case, I visited a dating site more out of curiosity than hope – making myself available without actively seeking opportunities. Then a conversation started.

When my partner and I first met up “in real life”, there wasn’t much of a spark. Neither of us was actively looking for love; we could have easily left it there. Instead, we let things unfold organically... and it turned into the most rewarding relationship of our lives.

Ultimately, when there’s less pressure for a connection to work out, it has a better chance to flourish. I don’t believe in destiny, but I still marvel at how lucky I was to find the perfect partner without even looking. And all because I learned to manage expectations.