Love-bombing: The simple motivations behind a dangerous pattern

We’ve all encountered someone who can’t help coming on a bit too strong. But is there something harmful, even manipulative about over-the-top displays of affection?

Love-bombing is the act of showering someone with attention, praise, or gifts. It tends to happen early in a relationship and often creates the feeling of being swept off your feet. The problem is when a sense of unease creeps in, or when the motive no longer seems clear.

But before we get to the darker side of love-bombing, it’s important to note that there can be a more innocent motive behind it…

Some people grow up in an environment where affection is openly expressed, or where care is signified through gift-giving. They may be comfortable saying “I love you” much sooner than you are. The key here is to flag any discomfort; if their intentions are pure, they’ll adjust.

Sometimes people come on too strong simply because they’re lonely and eager to form an attachment. Although sincere, this can be driven by insecurity. The best way to respond here is to draw boundaries: be open about your intentions and what pace you’re comfortable with.

Love bombing is renowned for being a tactic used by narcissists, sociopaths, and people with borderline personality disorder. Although those personality types are quite different from each other, the underlying behavior follows the same pattern…

First comes the flood of attention, also referred to as “idealizing”. Then comes the “devaluing” phase, in which the object of affection is ignored or punished for not responding as the love-bomber hoped. Finally, the “discarding” stage sees the recipient cast aside altogether.

If you feel like you’re being manipulated by a love-bomber, see if their words/gestures match their actions. Here are some clear signs of insincere affection: being demanding; treating everything as a transaction; beginning the “devaluing” phase when you say no to their requests.

Another motive is to keep someone interested while deciding if they even want a relationship (due to commitment issues, for example). Again, the key is to flag any discomfort: if they have an avoidant attachment style, the bomber likely won’t show any care for your needs.

Bottom line: A sincere love-bomber will listen to feedback and try to reign things in. An insincere one can wreak havoc in your life. The only way to tell them apart is to speak up, set boundaries, and keep an eye on how their words correspond with their actions.