Dr. John Gottman has led the world’s largest scientific study of married couples with thousands of couples being monitored around the clock in the “Love Lab” operating since 1986. Today Gottman can quickly predict couples who will divorce with over 90% accuracy. 

Gottman’s 7 marriage principles: 1) Enhance your “love maps” by continuously getting to know one another as you change through the years and as life situations change. Study and retain deep knowledge about your spouse to make conflict more manageable.

Principle 2) Nurture your fondness and affection. Remind yourself of what you like about your partner, what drew you together and foster warm feelings.

Principle 3) Seize opportunities to turn towards one another instead of away. Build positive regard with intentional attention to your spouse instead of away at screens or any of the other distractions that increasingly separate couples.

Principle 4) Let your partner influence you. This means dropping defensiveness and being open to taking your partner’s opinions and feelings into account. Being fixated on being right can be disastrous in a marriage.

Principle 5) Solve your solvable problems. Know that conflict is an inevitable part of marriage and not all problems have a solution. Long Term differences in opinion, political persuasion, religion, etc. may be present, but they do not have to be problems. Solve what you can.

Principle 6) Overcome gridlock. Arguments that become personal and unhealthy are hostile, aggressive and eventually when couples are unable to cope, one or both parties disengage and that is when the marriage is in very dire distress. 

Principle 7) Create shared meaning. Create rituals as a couple or a family, goals which look to the future together, formulate a shared story of how the relationship will evolve and grow.

Simple things like mindfully parting from one another each morning, reuniting each evening and expressing affection, admiration and appreciation all can make a huge difference on the long term health of the marriage.

The good news is that most marriages can be saved. Couples in Gottman’s marriage therapy workshops relapse 50% less than those trying other methods. Just five hours per week of applying these principles can turn the tides on a sinking relationship.