Top 10 Emotional Needs: Men's and Women's

Dr. Willard Harley's international bestselling book His Needs, Her Needs offers his insights on what husbands and wives say their top emotional needs are, how they differ, and why it's so common for them to go unmet, leading to marital dissolution.

Through his practice counseling couples, Dr. Harley discovered 10 most common emotional needs for men and women, however, when asked to rank them, he noticed that the top 5 most important for men, were the bottom 5 (least important) to women, and vice-versa.

Men's top 5 emotional needs:

1. Sexual Fulfillment: Enjoyable, regular sex

2. Recreational Companionship: Fun activities together

3. Attractiveness of Spouse: Attraction and appearance

4. Domestic Support: Keeping an orderly home

5. Admiration: Feeling valued and respected

Women listed their top 5 emotional needs as:

1. Affection: Loving words, gifts, etc.

2. Conversation: Discussing life together

3. Honesty & Openness: Transparency and truth

4. Financial Support: Earnings to support the family

5. Family Commitment: Dedication to raising children

This means that men and women may feel like they are working on the marriage by offering their spouse efforts towards their own top 5 emotional needs, but because these are likely low priority to their spouse, both people may still be suffering.

While the top needs listed are generally accurate, Dr. Harley recommends all spouses take his emotional needs questionnaire to determine their own specific priorities for emotional needs, and to learn the prioritized needs of their spouse.

The reason Dr. Harley emphasizes the value of learning about and meeting these needs is because he attributes the difference between happy marriages and divorces to the idea of love banks.

Each time you meet one of your spouse's top emotional needs, you deposit into their love bank. Each time you ignore your spouse's need or act in a way contrary to their need, you withdraw from their love bank. The happiest couples make numerous deposits and minimal withdrawals.

However, when couples continually fail to meet one another's needs, their love banks can get so low they avoid one another and the accounts may even get so negative, the two begin to hate one another.

Bottom line: In general, men and women's emotional needs in marriage differ from one another. For a healthy marriage, learn the top emotional needs of yourself and your spouse and do your best to meet them. Meeting each other's top needs deposits into your banks.