Tips for Overcoming Parental Guilt

Whether you’re a mom, dad, or other caregiver, chances are you’ve dealt with the weight of feeling guilty. Studies have shown a dramatic increase in parental guilt over the past few years, due in part to the impact of Covid and a shortage of quality childcare.

One study in the UK found that nearly 75% of all caregivers were experiencing parental guilt. From the guilt of a changed birth plan or fussy newborn to the frustration of trying to afford college and beyond, guilt can seem like a constant companion on your parenting journey.

The good news is that there are several tools that can help you manage those feelings and focus on enjoying your children. Techniques from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be an incredibly useful. Begin by identifying negative thoughts connected to your guilt.

Many times negative thoughts are not true, for example “I’m a bad parent if I can’t be at every school function.” Or “I’m a failure because my baby won’t breast feed.” Even though these thoughts are often untrue, when guilt takes over they can feel like facts. 

When you encounter these untrue thoughts, it is important to challenge them. Use adaptive thinking strategies to challenge your negative thoughts. For example, asking yourself what you would say to a friend who felt the same way, or exploring all the facts about a situation.

Next, replace your negative thoughts with more helpful ones. This might include statements such as: “Even good parents make mistakes,” “This may not have turned out the way I planned, but it can still be good,” or “My love for my children isn’t measured in how much I can spend.”

If you are struggling with a negative thought that appears true, use the practice of mindful acceptance. In this practice you accept any true negative thoughts with compassion and grace for yourself. Remind yourself you’re doing your best, while acknowledging your limitations.

Being a parent or caregiver often leaves people feeling the need to do more and be better. Working to improve your parenting can be a good thing, but it requires letting go of the guilt so it doesn’t immobilize you. Remind yourself that there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. 

Then make a plan for improvement. Set goals for yourself that are SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-based). Include long term goals that reflect where you want to be in a year and use those to inspire short term goals of steps you can take every week.

Once you have addressed the untrue negative thoughts, established healthier beliefs about your parenting, and practiced mindful acceptance, you are well on the road to reducing parental guilt. And that is key to experiencing less anxiety and greater satisfaction as a parent.