Discovering Compassion for Yourself

Often the way we respond to our own pain, suffering, and mistakes is very different from the way we would respond to a close friend or family member. Instead of being supportive, we can be highly critical of ourselves. The Self-Compassion Break can help alleviate this.

Kristin Neff and Chris Germer introduced the Self-Compassion Break in their Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. This practice encourages us to respond to our own suffering the way we would to a dear friend. Using this practice and other mindfulness tools brings many benefits.

It includes three stages which focus on mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness. It can help relieve anxiety, depression, and frustration, while increasing self-esteem. It can be practiced anywhere and only takes a few moments.

To begin, sit in a comfortable position and take a few deep breaths. If you are able, and feel comfortable, close your eyes. Imagine yourself settling into your body. Then bring to your mind a situation which is causing you stress or suffering. Start with a mild stressor.

Notice where you feel this stress or suffering in your body. Concentrate on the sensations of discomfort, pain, and signs of tension. Now, say to yourself “This is a moment of struggle.” You can also say “This is pain/suffering/etc.”. This is the first step of mindfulness.

The second step is recognizing that suffering is part of our common humanity. During this step we say to ourselves “Struggle is a part of life,” ”I’m not alone,” or “Many other people suffer this, just like me.” This acknowledges that all of humanity is connected by suffering.

The final step is to show kindness to yourself. Begin by offering yourself a soothing touch. This could be placing your hand on your heart, giving yourself a gentle hug, or rubbing your arms. Focus on the touch for a moment, noticing the warmth and gentleness of your hands.

Finally you will offer yourself a statement of kindness. Pay attention to what you need to hear. This might be something like “May I be kind to myself,” “May I give myself what I need,” “May I accept myself as I am,” “May I forgive myself,” or “May I be patient with myself.”

If you struggle to find the right words throughout this process, imagine that you are speaking to someone you care about who is facing a similar struggle. If you were talking to a dear friend or a beloved child, what words would you want to share with them?

The Self-Compassion Break can help us manage our own anxiety, suffering, depression, or pain. We can practice this anytime by engaging in three steps—awareness of what we are experiencing, our connection of all of humanity, and the importance of being kind to ourselves.