A Mother’s Gift: The Power of Healthy Attachment

When asked what gift they treasure from their mother, some may describe life lessons, meaningful objects, family traditions, or even physical characteristics. But the first and most important gift from our mothers is our attachment style.

John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s Attachment Theory teaches that children need at least one healthy relationship with a caregiver in order to fully develop socially and emotionally. Although this caregiver may be anyone, historically the primary attachment figure is the mother.

When children have a safe, stable, and nurturing caregiver they develop a secure attachment. Children who cry when their mother leaves them and then are happy to see her return are displaying a secure attachment. This enables them to freely explore their world and solve problems.

This secure attachment is developed by a parent consistently meeting the child’s needs. A baby cries, the mother quickly picks him up and feeds him or changes her, and the child learns “I am safe. I am cared for. The world is a good place. My voice matters.”

Children who have secure attachments grow into adults who are typically successful, empathetic, and don’t fear failure. They are able to calmly resolve conflicts, self-regulate emotions, problem solve, ask for help, communicate well, and have healthy relationships. 

A child who cries when their mother leaves but appears disinterested when she returns, is displaying an anxious-ambivalent attachment. Studies have shown abused children fit in this category. They have learned "I am not safe. The world is not a good place."

Children with an anxious-avoidant attachment style don't show distress or interest when their parent leaves or returns. Instead, they use indifference as a shield to protect against parental indifference or neglect. They've learned "I am not cared for. My voice doesn't matter."

The fourth style, disorganized attachment, was added by Mary Main and combines the characteristics of the previous two styles. It is often attributed to children whose parents can be loving and attentive at times and neglectful or abusive at others.

People with anxious-ambivalent attachments can be clingy, need constant reassurance, and fear abandonment. Anxious-avoidants have difficulty expressing emotions and withdraw. Disorganized attachments combine the previous problems with low self-esteem and fear of rejection.

However, when mothers are attuned and attentive to their children’s needs, shower them with unconditional love, and reassure them as they go off to explore life’s great adventures, they are building a strong and secure attachment. And that is a gift that will last a lifetime.