Be assertive! How to build respect by pushing back

Assertiveness isn’t about acting like an a**hole to others. It simply means standing up for your right to be treated with fairness.

Learning this deceptively simple skill offers huge rewards: it boosts your confidence, enhances your decision-making, gives you a better sense of agency, and reduces resentment.

So what’s the key difference between assertiveness and aggression? Respect. Aggressive people don’t show others respect, while passive people don’t show respect for themselves. When you’re assertive, you treat everyone the same (even your boss).

This is where your self-image plays a crucial role. It’s hard to be assertive if you have low self-esteem. Worse still, some people will sniff out that weakness and treat you like a doormat.

The foundation of assertiveness is a healthy amount of self-respect. There’s no magic pill to deliver that instantly. It takes time and persistence to build up, but here’s how you start…

Be direct. This can be as basic as saying something like: “I’m busy right now, can we catch-up later?” You can also introduce a touch of empathy to take the sting out of your statement: “I know how hard you’ve worked on this, but there’s something I need to flag…”

Use “I” statements to address problematic behavior, e.g. “I feel like you don’t listen to me, which is frustrating.” This works because it puts the emphasis on interpretation rather than blame.

Escalate your point, not your tone. When you need to push back, be firm without getting frustrated. Stay cool, keep it rational, but clearly state the consequences of non-compliance.

Your first attempts to be more assertive may come off as confrontational or over-the-top. This is natural. The key is to practice: train in front of the mirror; watch and learn from others. If a waiter messes up your order, that’s a golden opportunity to put yourself to the test.

TL;DR: Assertiveness means treating everyone equally, but you can’t be assertive without respecting yourself first. Practice privately and treat everyday situations as rehearsals. Keep it simple by being calm but firm, direct but understanding, and you’ll soon reap the benefits.