Tips from "Untangled", an insightful book about raising girls through adolescence

UNTANGLED, by Lisa Damour, Ph.D. is a hand guide of sorts about the sometimes scary, often frustrating, yet surprisingly predictable path of raising girls. By organizing adolescence into chapters of seven "strands," she lays out a road map to understanding the stages.

The first few focus on what is generally middle-school, ages 11-14: Parting with Childhood, Joining a New Tribe, Harnessing Emotions. The later chapters lead into high school and beyond: Contending with Authority, Planning for the Future, the Romantic World & Caring for Herself.

1. Parting with Childhood: The swimming pool metaphor: We are the swimming pool our daughter is in - the water is the broader world. She wants to explore the world, play, dive, and splash. Then she gets tired, grabs for the edge to catch her breath, and comes back to us...

we feel needed once again. Then, before we know it, she pushes off again - hard. We can enjoy the return but be ready to watch her go back out there. We must anticipate the push-offs. It may hurt us and our feelings, but we must be the concrete wall she can swim back to.

2. Joining a New Tribe: By the end of adolescence, girls will grow tighter bonds with friends, lessening the bonds with family. Damour points out and expands on three situations that may warrant concern: Social isolation, being bullied, or being the bully.

3. Harnessing Emotions: Sometimes "normal can seem crazy" with teenagers. The swing from rational to irrational can feel like whiplash to a parent. We must take their reactions or actions seriously - their emotions are real and sometimes we are simply their dumping ground.

4. Contending with Authority: Damour advises, when dealing with disrespect or pushback, to be "fair, firm and friendly." Remember as childish as they may be acting, there is a thoughtful part of them in there somewhere! Respond (not react!) with civility and consistency.

5. Planning for the Future: By the end of adolescence, girls should be forming real future goals and dreams and making incremental choices to follow them. Things to watch our for in this stage include: "All plan, no play" (over-performing) & "No plan in sight" (no drive at all).

6. The Romantic World: Parents are often in the dark about this part of their daughters' lives. Romantic situations can evolve quickly and parents must encourage them to remember what they want OR don't want and to always pay attention to and use "their inner compass".

7. Caring for Herself: These areas include food/health/sleep/social media/drinking/drugs /sex. Damour says two major "self-care" situations that warrant concern are: Eating disorders (they carry the highest death rate among mental disorders) and being unable to care for herself.