Why people pleasing is selfish and how to stop

People pleasing generally makes you think of helping people, but according to an article on healthline.com people pleasing involves editing or altering words and behaviors for the sake of another person’s feelings or reactions. That doesn't sound quite as tidy and nice at all.

While people pleasing can come from a place of genuine caring and wanting others to be happy, if one is really being honest, it usually comes from a deep and even selfish need to be liked by others. "If I make you happy, you have to like me," or so we tell ourselves.

People pleasers tend to not want to let anyone down in their lives, from those closest to them to complete strangers, so they will set aside their own comfort and desires to make sure others are happy and have what they need.

But this can lead to the people pleaser becoming bitter, angry, frustrated and other negative emotions which can allow dishonesty and distrust into the relationship. Over time, a lack of authenticity can build and lead to damage on both sides.

While initially the motivation may not have been entirely selfish, the desire to be liked becomes most important and takes over. It can drive all decisions and behaviors leading to pain and disappointment for all.

One way to avoid this is for the people pleaser to be honest and decide what they are looking for in the relationship. Do they need that person to like them at all costs or can they be themselves and be honest even if it means disappointing the other person?

Are they taking responsibility for the other person's emotions that they don't need to be? People pleasers often try to protect others when they don't need to. It's important to really stop and ask if you are trying to manage the other person's feelings.

If you can't be yourself — why not? Not everyone is always going to like you. Maybe you don't even like the other person and don't really care if they like you are not. Is the person you are trying to please even worth the effort?

And if they are worth the effort, aren't they worth the real you and the value of an authentic relationship where both people give and take and are real without altering their feelings and reactions? Really look at your motivations for pleasing them.

Work on pleasing yourself as well as the person you are in the relationship with by being genuine and managing your own emotions. If you are focused on being happy and being happy with them versus solely being responsible for their happiness, everything changes for the better.