Tips for Talking About Politics, Religion, and Other Hard Subjects at Your Holiday Table

We’ve all heard the old adage—“Don’t talk about religion or politics.” This may seem like especially sound advice in our current polarized climate. And yet, perhaps the reason our culture has become so divided is that we haven’t learned to talk about hard topics with each other. 

As you gather with family, you are likely to come across people with different views than you. You could just ignore all your differences, trying to avoid potential landmines. Yet there is a way to talk about those subjects that can be peaceful, respectful, and even beneficial. 

Listen to learn, rather than respond. When listening to someone talk our brains naturally begin formulating a response or a rebuttal. Instead of allowing that to happen, focus instead on what the other person is saying. When something doesn’t make sense, ask respectful questions.

Pay attention to their heart. When people are passionate about a subject they are driven by emotions. Often those emotions are fear or love, and typically they are fueled by the relationships they hold most dear. Seek to understand and respect the feelings driving their opinions.

Find common ground. No matter how differing your stances may be, there is always common ground to be found. By truly listening and attuning to the emotions, you can find the places where you agree. For example, you both love your families and want them to be safe and healthy. 

Seek to understand, not win. The goal is not to win the argument or convince the other person. The goal should be to appreciate and respect each other. Avoid sarcasm and biting comments. Remember, you’re not at a debate. Relationships are more important than proving your point. 

Stay respectful. Don’t fall in the trap of making the other person “the bad guy.” Avoid name calling or insults. Try to stay objective about things. Instead of comments like “You make me feel . . .” try “When I encounter policies/beliefs/systems like that I feel . . .”

Remain calm. Raised voices and red faces will get you nowhere. If you notice yourself getting heated, take a break. Change the subject, play a game together, or go for a walk. Let the other person know you just need some space, and respect others who ask for space.

End with agreement. It’s unlikely you’ll leave the table with everyone on the same page. However, you can return to the common ground you discovered earlier. Use statements like “I know we don’t see eye-to-eye, but I appreciate you and I know we both care about our community.”

With these tips no subject has to be off limits at your holiday table. You might even find that you can begin to broach these conversations in other places, leaving our communities less polarized. As Mauricio Macri once said “There is more that unites us than divides us."