How to spot a narcissist’s weapon of choice

Manipulation is relatively easy to detect when there’s a clear agenda in play, e.g. a pushy boss or salesperson. But it can be much more covert when it comes from someone we love…

In a relationship built on trust, your insecurities are treated with compassion. In the hands of a manipulator, vulnerability is used against you as a means of control. When your love or attention feels inadequate, they know what buttons to push in order to keep you close.

A narcissist cannot tolerate the idea of someone not wanting to be with them, let alone rejecting them. When someone has an inflated sense of self-worth, that just seems impossible. And they will resort to extreme measures to prevent it.

A common manipulation tactic in relationships is the threat of suicide. This is direct and alarming. The aim here is to pull you back into the role of loving caretaker. Talk of suicide is not to be taken lightly, but if they refuse to get help – it’s merely being used as a tool.

When direct tactics don’t work, narcissists can turn to micromanipulations: covert attempts to solicit sympathy or attention. What appears to be a comment made in passing creates a “hijacking” effect that puts you on the backfoot and in need of clarity. This is a dangerous trap.

Maybe you’ve received a message only to be told, “Oops, sorry – that wasn’t meant for you”. This is rarely an accident. It’s a subtle ploy to steal your attention, which in itself is a form of psychological abuse.

As your mind races to fill in the blanks (“Is he seeing someone else?”, “Are they talking about me?”), the manipulator has already got what they wanted: your spotlight is now on them.

A narcissist will often drop in loaded references mid-conversation, e.g. “I’m busy getting test results at the hospital.” A normal person would just say that they may be running late due to a doctor’s appointment. But that extra info shocks you into a state of fear or guilt.

Why do people do this? It’s usually to win somebody back (whether it’s a friendship or relationship) or to keep them from leaving in the first place. And quite often, that works. It takes real strength and self-respect to stand up to these lies and threats.

Bottom line: Micromanipiulations are subtle tactics to exploit a victim’s insecurities in order to regain attention. Narcissists aren’t interested in balanced relationships; they want a one-sided connection that fulfills their needs. The sooner you learn to spot that, the better.