How to develop a better understanding of yourself

The problem with self-help books is that they often promise a better you. But you can’t improve yourself without growing up first. This requires four types of self-discipline: 1) Acceptance of responsibility 2) Delaying gratification 3) dedication to truth 4) balancing.

Before we can solve our problems, we need to assume responsibility for them. Avoiding that turns ourselves into victims who blame others. This is a critical point because our refusal to face pain only prolongs immaturity.

Facing truth requires courageous self-examination. This can be hard as we inherit so much from our parents, including neuroses and character defects. Psychotherapy can be key here as it’s a deliberate act to challenge ourselves by questioning mistaken or outdated internal ‘maps’.

Balancing allows us to choose or temper difficult emotions like anger. It may also involve not doing or saying something even though that restraint may be painful. Sometimes we have to put ourselves on hold, no matter how difficult it may be, for our personal growth.

The willingness required to face difficult problems springs from love – not romantic or maternal love, but a real love for one’s self. While this may not be easy, it allows us to transcend the limits of our adolescent ego and connect with a broader spectrum of society.

Real love can be defined as the willingness to extend ourselves for the sake of our own (or someone else’s) personal growth. This effort is a permanent, self-enlarging phenomenon where love and compassion for others is the only path to enlightenment.

To grow personally and spiritually, we need to consciously challenge our own signature mix of religious, national and family cultures. This poses a risk. You may lose part of who you think you are, but the reward is a greater understanding of reality.

Our lives can be seen as one long process of creating a conscious ‘self-concept’ that’s aligned with the fundamental reality of who and what we are. When we are in alignment, things tend to go extremely well. In others’ eyes, we even seem blessed or lucky.

All these forms of discipline are the antidote to whatever keeps our unconscious clouded. The miracle of the unconscious is that it always knows who we are, and wants to make that truth known. It’s the force that drives us towards the more difficult path.

Bottom line: personal fulfillment and spiritual growth require discipline, a commitment to love others, and maybe a psychotherapist to root out deeper issues. Just being willing to embrace that challenge is an important stride toward our potential.