How do you keep the spark alive in a long-term relationship?

There’s a contradiction at the heart of any long-term relationship. On the one hand, we crave the comfort of stability and consistency. On the other hand, we long for novelty and adventure.

So how do we reconcile these two basic needs of human nature: the “having” of love, where there is no distance whatsoever, and the “wanting” of desire, where we long to explore?

Psychotherapist Esther Perel traveled to over 20 countries while promoting her book Mating in Captivity. She used the opportunity to ask people: “When are you most drawn to your partner?”

One common answer was: “When we’re apart.” This makes sense, as being apart from each other allows imagination and longing (two components of desire) to come back into the picture.

Another answer was: “When seeing my partner radiating confidence”, e.g. on stage, playing sports, being the center of attention, etc. This allows us to see our partner with fresh eyes but at a comfortable distance, evoking a touch of mystery (another component of desire).

The third answer was: “When I’m surprised, when we laugh together”, i.e. little moments of novelty that help freshen things up.

This inspired Perel to look at how various aspects of love (selflessness, responsibility, etc.) can actually overlap with desire (selfishness, naughtiness, etc.). The answer lay in the bedroom...

The intense desire at the start of a relationship wanes the more both partners get to know each other. Less mystery means less letting go. More responsibility means more holding back.

The solution is something Perel calls “erotic intelligence”. Reigniting desire requires a sense of distance, spontaneity, and transgression. We need to create a space where we can step back and perceive our partner as a separate entity: someone still capable of surprising us.

Couples who keep the spark alive in their relationship know that passion comes and goes. They know it’s something that has to be worked on – to be resurrected, planned, and committed to. Only by creating a space where love and desire overlap can you have the best of both worlds.