An ex-FBI agent's guide to winning people over

Ever wondered why some people seem instantly appealing? There’s an art to being likable: a set of subtle techniques that communicate with our unconscious mind like an ancient code.

Nobody understands first impressions better than Jack Schafer: a former FBI agent with a Ph.D. in psychology. He wrote a book on turning strangers into friends called The Like Switch...

Friendship = proximity + frequency + duration + intensity. As an FBI agent, Schafer used this formula to ingratiate himself into the lives of potential spies. If you seem even vaguely familiar to someone, they’ll be much more open to an approach.

Nonverbal cues speak volumes. Here are three ways to lay the groundwork for positive attention: 1) Flash your eyebrows for a split-second 2) Give a genuine smile 3) Tilt your head (exposing the arteries in your neck is an age-old signal that you’re and friendly and trustworthy).

Read the room. People gathered in a circle with their feet pointing to the center = closed off to newcomers. People standing in a semicircle with their feet pointing outwards = open to interruption. Approach with confidence and you’ll have the best chance of being welcomed.

Strangers are turned off by sustained eye contact. (That’s why undercover cops don't do it). The trick is to stare for a second, turn your head away as if breaking eye contact, hold the stare for a beat and then end with a smile. If you get a smile back, it’s a green light.

If someone purses their lips while you’re talking, it’s because they disagree with you. This is a golden opportunity to change their mind before they have a chance to speak their mind. “I bet you’re thinking X isn’t a good idea, but let me explain why it is.”

The quicker you can get someone talking about themselves, the quicker a rapport will develop. Presumptive statements (“You sound like you’re from X”) tend to produce confirmations or corrections (“I’m from Y”). If you share personal info of your own, it will likely be reciprocated.

The real Law of Attraction can be summed up as LOVE: Listen, Observe, Vocalize, Empathize. Be curious and attentive. Use empathetic statements (“You’re having quite a day”) and highlight commonalities. Be kind. If someone thanks you for a favor, say: “You’d do the same for me.”

Bottom line: You don’t need to be an expert in behavioral analysis to charm people. It’s really just about emotional intelligence. Show people that you care, make them feel good, and let your body language do the rest of the work. You’ll be a social butterfly in no time.