How to end a friendship

In friendships, there is often an implicit assumption that a friend made at one point should remain a friend forever- if one has any virtue or honor. Friendships are essential and unlike romantic interests, a commitment in friendship once made is a commitment forever.

However, such a degree of commitment is as impractical as it is self-defeating. Why? Because friendships need to be sustained by vivid and active interest on both sides.

Take a friend from school from decades ago. When young, you both bonded over books, anime, and skateboarding. But life has moved on: their ideas feel a lot less interesting today and you have other people you relate to more. You don't dislike them; you've simply outgrown them.

We can even love a person and for a myriad of reasons never want to see them again. This is similar to parenting where wise parents know that the interests of their 8-year-old child will change when they are 14 and again when they are 18. The same is true when we’re 25 or 40.

Friends, though valuable, are too, vehicles of development – they contribute to our growth and vice-versa. And when the time comes, they may be respectfully sidestepped lest they impede our growth or well-being.

Ending a friendship isn’t betrayal; it’s a realisation that we’re no longer who we once were. Misplaced guilt, however, can make it difficult to communicate the same.

But it’s imperative that we do & a two-fold approach can be used. Say a friend that you no more are close to enquires if you can meet in the coming months. You might recollect a funny, touching or warm memory that you have with them.

"Thanks for your email. I was just thinking the other day of that time when in our first year, we bunked the history class and decided to spend the day on the beach doing cartwheels. It was such a perfect day! Must be 15 years now; how different things are today."

This rehearsal of a memory reinforces why you once became friends & that you haven’t forgotten about them but also that the time spent together was a long time ago- in a different context. In response to meeting, you can just add- "Sadly I’m not going to be able to make it."

The message isn’t angry or unfeeling but factual. It is important to know that by being clear without beating around the bush, we are just liberating two people to go out and henceforth do greater justice to the deeper promises of friendship.