8 Tips for Successful Marital Negotations

Bestselling author and marriage psychologist Dr. Willard Harley's book He Wins She Wins teaches couples the art of successful negotiations in marriage. Whether debating about family, sex, work or anything else - his advice is for couples to learn and apply these principles:

1) Resolution isn't the primary goal: Harley insists that staying in love is the goal, more than resolution. Many couples communicate their feelings, stay respectful and make decisions they both agree on but end up divorcing because their negotiations aren't equitable.

2) Win-Win or Nothing: The only solutions that should be pursued are those that both spouses enthusiastically agree to. No decision is made until both partners are genuinely enthusiastic about it. Harley believes constant sacrifice or win-lose in marriage isn't sustainable.

3) Stay Safe: When negotiating it is critical that the conversation stay pleasant, enjoyable and calm. Cheerfulness and a smile go a long way and are required to keep the negotiation a process both people are invested in. Negotiating takes time, so be patient and agreeable.

4) No demands, anger or disrespect: Demanding your spouse do a particular thing or face punishment is a quick way to derail negotiations. Yelling, insulting, interrupting or displaying anger or disrespect will guarantee an unproductive fight instead of a productive negotiation.

5) Agree on Breaks: Before you negotiate, agree that if any of the unsafe behaviors pop up you will take a break for a set amount of time before returning to the issue. It can be as simple as saying "We're interrupting each other and probably hangry. Let's try again after lunch."

6) See Both Sides: First you must both identify the issue so you're clear on what you're trying to solve. Then each person should clearly state their position until the other can explain it just as clearly. No persuading until both people are clear on the issue and perspectives.

7) Aim for Enthusiastic Agreement: The goal is to negotiate until you reach a resolution both partners enthusiastically agree to. Begrudging agreeing is detrimental to everyone. It's better to brainstorm every possible option until you find one. Take breaks if needed.

8) Know the exceptions: In the case of abuse, infidelity or abandonment a joint enthusiastic agreement is impossible - safety is the top priority. Additionally if one spouse wants nothing to be done, that can not be the default position until an enthusiastic agreement is reached.

Dr. Harley is certain that if couples minded their love more by using these tips they would stay in love and he says he's never seen a couple in love divorce.

If you liked this Memo, follow me @lynlovesbooks  for more. You may also enjoy this similar Memo: