Lessons on relationships from the book Good Inside

The New York Times bestseller book Good Inside by Dr. Becky Peterson, helpful for parents and relationships in general, is based on the idea that we are all essentially good inside. There are lessons that can be applied to any relationship between two people. Here are just a few:

Peterson points out that when there are two people in a room there are also two sets of thoughts, feeling, needs and perspectives. Our ability to hold onto multiple truths at once (multiplicity) allows two people in a relationship to feel seen even if they are in conflict.

Multiplicity allows two people to get along and feel close. Each know that their experience will be accepted as true. They explore it as important even if those experiences are different. Building strong connections relies on understanding not convincing.

When we approach someone with the goal of understanding, we accept that there isn't one set interpretation of facts but rather multiple experiences and viewpoints. Understanding has one goal—connection. So understanding will come up again and again as a goal of communication.

The opposite of understanding is convincing. Convincing is the attempt to prove a singular reality—to prove that only one thing is true. It's an attempt to be right and to make the other person wrong. It rests on the assumption that there is only one viewpoint.

Convincing has one goal in mind which is to be right. And the consequence of that makes the other person feel unseen and unheard. This can lead one to feeling like the other person does not accept your realness or worth. It makes connection impossible.

Once we are in connection mode, we are curious about and accepting of someone else's experience rather than focused on our own. It feels like an opportunity to get to know someone better. It lets us approach others with openness so they put down their defenses.

The author holds that people who listen to understand vs. people who listen to respond have higher relationship satisfaction across the board.

Multiplicity is also important for our own inner dialogue. Our ability to experience many seemingly oppositional feelings and thoughts at once — to know that you can experience many truths simultaneously, is key to our mental health. For example, you can be nervous AND excited.

We are at our best when we notice the multiple thoughts, feelings, urges and sensations inside of us without any of them becoming us. We are healthiest when we can see that two or more things are true in both ourselves and in our relationships.