How to kick the 'all-or-nothing' habit

I’m guilty of being an all-or-nothing person. Whether it’s exercising, dieting, or learning a new language, I can’t do things half-heartedly. There’s either 100% effort or zero, with no in-between.

This is known as a cognitive distortion, i.e. an error in thinking that gets embedded over a lifetime of habit. We need to keep an eye out for these distortions because they may seem rational, but they can cause havoc with our everyday lives.

All-or-nothing thinking pushes us to unnecessary extremes. That dinner you made can seem like a complete disaster when one little part of it doesn’t turn out so well. That project you worked so hard on can feel like a failure if one person offers a single criticism.

This mindset allows self-criticism to run riot. Essentially, all-or-nothing thinking is about demanding perfection from yourself: an approach that’s not only unsustainable but flat-out unrealistic.

The main form that “all-or-nothing” takes in our head is a lack of leeway. Anything less than an A+ performance feels intolerable. But imagine taking that approach with someone else: it would feel totally unreasonable and horrible to be around.

The other form of “all-or-nothing” is considering yourself a failure if you’re not feeling physically or mentally up to whatever task you’re supposed to do.

If I don’t make enough time to exercise, learn Italian, and do some writing, I feel like any progress I’ve made has gone out the window – which will nag at me. The truth is I’m rarely able to do all of these things, so I’m making myself feel bad unnecessarily.

One of the only things you can control in life is how you treat yourself. So practice self-compassion by changing the inner narrative to: “I did the best I could; no one gets it right all the time,” or “It’s not my fault that I’m not feeling well; I’ll do it when I get better.”

Focus on every little positive, even in a bad situation. If we constantly overlooked someone else’s accomplishments, it’d be considered unfair. Don’t do the same to yourself. Think: “I may not have gone for a run but given how ill I feel, it’s a plus that I even made dinner.”

Bottom line: All-or-nothing thinking is like giving yourself an “F” just because you didn’t get an “A+”. But making yourself feel worse is unfair and unnecessary. Instead, remember that a world of possibility exists between an “F” and an “A+” – and it’s an okay place to be.