Turn Her On...and Off: How to have better sex.

Comedian Ali Wong can't possibly have sex while there's runaway inflation and a potential for WWIII. It's funny because it's true. Women have turn ons and until recently advice focused on that. But sex educator Emily Nagorski says you also have to turn her off.

Women have two mechanisms called the Sexual Excitation System (SES) and the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) — the accelerator and the brake. The accelerator takes in all the sexy things and says 'on.' But simultaneously the brake sees all the bad and says 'off.'

It's a delicate balance and too often skewed one direction. People have been taught to romance a woman and check all the boxes of her turn ons--send flowers, have a nice dinner, etc. The second hurdle though is to remove all of the negatives that work against that.

Brakes vary from woman to woman. Some find particular lighting, a distracting ceiling fan, or times of day to be 'brakes.' For others it's bigger issues like work stress, body image, or even a world on the verge of war. All these factors say, 'it's not the right time for this'.

It's easy to solve for lighting, but how do you solve work issues ... or war? You can't directly. But you can pay attention to whether work tasks have been done for the day. Try giving a relaxing massage. Or you could have an emotionally vulnerable discussion about your fears.

Still a lot of brakes? Try scheduling. Spontaneous sex is better sex is a very male perspective. Most women actually feel more relaxed when they can anticipate sex well in advance. Why? They can actively try to remove the brakes ahead of time.

Those that feel scheduled sex isn't romantic may be removing brakes but also removing the accelerators. All of the things we do to turn on our partner in advance of sex are still important. So don't forget the romance! Sex is responsive to our environment--good and bad.

For women sex is complicated--physiologically complicated. There are a whole host of things that can help a woman be interested in sex, but there are a myriad of other things that can cause a woman to be uninterested. The optimal experience takes turn ons and offs into account.