How to find THE ONE

Introduction. Humans are pair-bonding animals. One of our deepest needs is to meet a person to share our life with. And yet it's common for this process to be confusing. Here's why the way you're thinking about "the one" is wrong, and how the past holds the key for your future 👇

Think about this - you don't ask your expensive phone to drop you to a party. You don't use your car to cook dinner. You don't expect your oven to print a document. Just like devices have a limited set of features, people do too.

Yet people expect "the one" to be an all-purpose solution to all problems and needs. This is not realistic.

Before buying any device, people often make an exhaustive list of the features they want. They think about their use cases. And yet, we often don't think what we need or expect from our significant others with much specificity.

Making a very specific list also has its own challenges. You may list down three features: A, B, and C. But then you might get attracted to a woman or man with X, Y, Z. Discovering one's true preferences is tricky. If so, look at your revealed preferences.

Revealed preferences theory states that past choices shine a light on one's actual preferences. Who are the people you've been most attracted to? What features and traits do they have in common? What's the underlying blueprint that sets off your attraction?

Chances are, "the one" will share this blueprint too. It's almost as if you have an archetypal image inside you, and if someone roughly fits this image, you fall for them. 

Once you know your archetypal image/your blueprint, your life becomes easier. Knowing what you want means you're a step closer to having it. Start asking questions like: Where am I likely to meet such a person? What am I doing now to increase the odds of bumbling into them?

Even when you meet "the one," there will be riffs, differences, and a less-than-perfect reality to deal with. "The one" will always be a specific person with a specific history, strengths, and weaknesses - and never a magical key to unlock all treasures.

Bottom line. People think of "the one" as a person, but it can also be the one relationship that two people build with charm and sacrifice. To conclude: don't expect the one to be a shapeshifting cure for everything and study your past patterns to see what truly touches you.