Championship Chess World Abuzz with Anal Bead Accusation

What do an underdog chess champion, a set of vibrating anal beads & billionaire Elon Musk have in common? They all conspired to make this outlandish scandal-turned-serious-sport-story the number one trending topic worldwide in September.   

To set the scene : When 19-year-old chess dilettante Hans Nieman entered the Sinquefield Cup tournament in St Louis Missouri on Sept 4, he was ranked 49^th  & dead last. In true underdog style, he went on to wipe the floor with the competition, taking first place in round 2.

The annual tournament, with pay-outs totalling around $500,000, is part of the Grand Chess Tour, a lucrative circuit of championship matches including events in Norway, Poland, and London which sees the best international chess masters clash in a series of televised games.      

Rank outsider Hans Nieman knocked Norwegian champion Magnus Carlson out of the running. Carlson took to Twitter to announce his withdrawal with a cryptic communiqué implying cheating had somehow occurred. His tweet sparked rumours that reverberated throughout the tournament.

One astute chess fan proposed an outlandish theory : perhaps Nieman was instructed by an external co-conspirator, advising him what play to make next by the vibrating pulse of a set of wireless anal beads inserted into his rectum, an 'out-there' but not impossible conjecture.  

Story not strange enough already? Enter the notoriously verbose multimillionaire Elon Musk. Retweeting the anal bead theory to his 80 million followers, the aspersion gained legs & set the internet abuzz with salacious but spurious speculation.

Eventually the Grand Chess Tour was forced to respond to the wild allegations, denouncing the theory as mere rumour, and reiterating that no indication of foul play surfaced during the event. Certain tournament rules were reassessed in light of the accusations.   

If the new champion has somehow managed to cozen his contemporaries using tantalising technology designed to delight, his ruse may be rumbled soon. Coming into effect immediately, new rules include a full body RF scan along with a 15-minute delay on TV broadcast. Checkmate.

Niemann, rather than enjoying the fortuitous win, has found himself a pawn, defending his game instead. Denying all allegations, he has offered to play naked next time, in a closed box with zero transmission. Audience levels may reach an all-time high if that scenario is decreed.

Is Hans Nieman the next big name in chess or simply a resourceful rectal racketeer? The fanciful scandal can only do good for viewership numbers, even if the truth is far from black and white.

Championship chess just became a much more captivating sport.